I nervously look into her eyes; as she stares back into mine. With those big beautiful blue eyes, she gazes into the very depths of my soul; the very core of my being. The physical layers, the thought layers, and the expectations peel away, leaving only her soul staring back at me through the mirror. “Why do you want to hurt me,” she asks. You can sense the pain in her eyes, in her face and in her posture. I feel remorse, her pain is my pain, her sadness is my own. “What have I done to you? Why am I not enough? Why can’t you love me?”, these words echo through my mind. I respond, “I don’t know how to accept your love, I want your love, I crave your love, but I feel as if I am undeserving.” She reaches out to me with her loving eyes, I can feel her warmth radiating throughout my being, she truly wants to love me. She truly thinks that I’m deserving.
I feel overwhelming compassion, as I continue to gaze into my lover’s eyes. How could I have gone so long, without recognizing her beauty? How could I have ignored her pleas to feel my warmth, my love, my respect? I had built walls, to block her out, to keep her quiet, because I truly had thought that a more beautiful person existed for me: and that person wasn’t her. I had refused to gift her my love, out of fear that she wasn’t worthy, out of fear that she would also break my heart: but it was me who had been breaking my own heart all along.
She loves me, even though I have tortured her: mentally & physically. She thinks I’m beautiful, even though I’ve told her that I’m fat and ugly. This soul of mine, has little interest in human vanity. She thinks I’m remarkable, even though I’ve told her that I’m crazy and destined to fail. She continues to reach for me, as I continue to build the walls that keep her out. She offers me infinite love, trust & respect, I offer her resent, pain and loathing. “Why won’t you let me in?”, it’s because I fear that I’m unworthy. My mind tells me, that I’m no good for her, that I’m silly to think that she could ever love me completely.
I don’t know if I can love her, when I look at her, I see everything that I wish I could change. I see everything that I think is wrong with me. I don’t see her for the beauty that she is, I see her as a walking projection of all my insecurities. She is love, and I am fear, but yet we are the same, we are one. She is me, and I am her. The only difference is that she chooses to love me, and I choose to resent her.
Sometimes I can feel her within me. She is my fiery passion, she is love, she is overwhelming gratitude and appreciation. She is wonder, she loves nature, she sings and she dances, she is youthful and beautiful to the core. She wants me to love others, she is not selfish – she wants me to share my love with everyone. She is peace, and tranquility, she is serenity and infinite potential, she is indescribably beautiful; yet twisted in my eyes – because of my perceptions of her. I have convinced myself that she is the illusions that I project onto her.
Her love is more than I could ever ask for. To accept her love, I have to tear down the walls, break the chains, and open my heart. Perhaps doing this will make me vulnerable, but to become my truest self is my definition of freedom. It might make me sensitive, but to feel at all is a blessing. I know that if I can open the doors & accept her love, I will feel whole. I will have the companionship of someone who would do anything for me, because she is me. She is my best friend, my soul, & the essence of who I am. To have her gaze at me with adoration is bliss, because I’ve felt unworthy of her for so long.
I guess I didn’t realize how important our relationship is, and how influential our union is on my well-being, all of my relationships, and my life in general. The girl in my mirror, she’s my universe. She is all I know for now, and I depend on her – for survival, for experience and for peace of mind. I couldn’t live this experience without her. I depend on her, in order to experience joy, and pain. I need her, in order to experience the sun on my face and the wind in my hair – the caress of another. I need her, to write, to love, to feel, to have senses, and even to have illusions. Illusion is a beautiful thing, because it allows us to see from so many different perspectives and to be human, it allows us to discover love and create these characters – these people that we sculpt ourselves to become.
Love yourself and all that you are. You’re worth your love, you’re worth the title of ‘beautiful’ – you are a miracle. Stare at that person in the mirror with love, feel their soul, and remember to have compassion for them as well. You wouldn’t treat a lover in harmful and upsetting ways, so why would you treat yourself poorly? I strongly believe that our first true love is that reflection in the mirror. How we treat ourselves sets the foundation for how we treat other people. Every though that we think, has an impact on our minds & bodies – choose lovely thoughts. That lover in the mirror, is your everything. She or he is your home, at least for now. Take care of your home, love yourself and all that you appear to be and spread that love.
Write a love story.